Pages of a Life
by ephiny63
Summary: Teen!Chester, Sam's 18, Dean's 22. A horrific accident changes the lives of all three Winchester men as they try to come to grips with what happened. A journal written by the youngest Winchester may give his father some much needed insight.
1. Chapter 1

**Pages of a Life.**

A Teen!chester story

**Disclaimer:** Nope not mine, sigh, just checked again and nope nothing. No money has passed through the empty coffers either.

**Author's Note:** Sam is 18 and Dean is 22, set before the big fight and Sam goes to Stanford.

S—D

July 20th 2001:

The only sound in the room was the steady beeping of a heart monitor; barely noticeable in normal circumstances, in normal every day sounds of a hospital ward but when there is no other sound it is deafening.

The hushed whoosh of the life-saving oxygen flooding through the nasal line seemed hushed in deference to the heart monitor's beep, beep, beep evenly spaced and constant in volume.

With the shades drawn on the large windows the room slivers of the late afternoon sun bathed the room in soft golden shadows. Two beds dominated the room but only one of them had an occupant; the other had rumpled sheets and a crushed pillow but no other signs of occupation.

The occupier of the other bed lay deathly still; the only sign of life was the slight rise and fall of the bare chest. Tubes, cords, electrodes, and needles decorated the translucent skin. From a distance, you would think that they only slept, and not caught in a private war, fighting the fight to end all. The fight to live.

S—D

Two Months Earlier:

May 15th 2001

'We can't leave dad, please not until next week.' Eighteen year old Sam implored his father using his full on kicked puppy look, 'there's only a couple of weeks until graduation.'

'Sam we've been through this already.' John grumbled desperately trying to keep his voice low and controlled, 'the hunt is important, people are dying.'

'Let me stay here, I'll finish and meet up with you.'

'Not on your own Sam it's not up for negotiation.' John's voice raised ever so slightly, a small warning to Sam not to push but he ignored it and kept on pressing.

'Dad please, it's only a couple of weeks.'

'Samuel!'

'What if Dean stayed with me?' Sam tried to change tact, he and Dean had already spoken about the possibility, and although his brother was reluctant to sit out a hunt, he was willing to stay with Sam until graduation.

'Dean what do you have to say about all of this?' John demanded with the assumption that Dean would never back out on a hunt.

'Ah, yeah well if Sam is hell bent on stayin' then yeah I'll stay with him.' Dean admitted rubbing the nape of his neck nervously unable to look up into his dad's eyes.

'You what?' John was so sure that Dean would agree with him and it took him completely by surprise when he didn't, but then, when it came to Sam where Dean was concerned it was a different ball game altogether.

'Fine, I'll get Caleb to come in with me, seeing that you've already done the research for me Sam and this is the end of the school for you, I'll give you this one.' John said his voice deliberately kept low and controlled, 'but, and I mean but as soon as you are finished the pair of you are to pack up and meet up with me is that understood?'

'Yes sir.' The boys answered in unison.

'Thanks dad.' Sam added with a small smile for his father, 'I promise as soon as the last class is over ...'

S—D

The Week Before Graduation:

'Yo Sammy come on we're gonna be late.' Dean bellowed as he grabbed the keys and headed towards his baby, 'and good morning to you girl.' He sighed and ran his hand lovingly over the black duco.

'Why don't you just get a room?' Sam sniped as he slid into the passenger side door and took up his usual position of shotgun.

'Puhleaze Samantha ... anyway what do you know you good little boy you.' Dean sniped back, the banter light and filled with teasing, nothing malicious for their morning discussion.

'Did you hear from dad?' Sam asked suddenly sobering and looked at his brother his green eyes dark and hooded.

'Yeah, he said that he's got us a place in Greyson Idaho.' Dean grimaced, 'sounds so peachy.'

'Yeah? So he still wants us to leave before?'

'Sorry dude but at least he's letting ya finish here.' Dean patted Sam's knee as he pulled the car onto the road and then flicked on the music.

As they pulled in front of Southern Plains High School, Dean turned and looked at his brother for a moment before speaking, 'dude I know how important your graduation ceremony is ...'

'Nah it's okay Dean,' Sam sighed heavily, 'I know what happens anyway we got to go to yours.'

'Sammy.'

'I guess dad didn't get the message anyway.' Sam turned to get out of the car when Dean's hand gripped his arm and held him in place.

'What are you talking about Sam?'

'I was made Valedictorian Dean ... I guess I'll tell em that I won't be able to attend the ceremony.'

'Fuck Sam why didn't you say something earlier?'

'What's there to say? Dad said we have to leave as soon as my last class is over.' Sam pulled his arm free from Dean's grip and slipped out of the car, 'see ya this afternoon.'

'Damn you dad.' Dean snarled and thumped the steering wheel with his fists, while he watched Sam make his way into the main school building. His brother's shoulder's slumped forward and his entire demeanour changed the closer he got to the door, it was as if Dean could actually see the black cloud of depression hanging over his brother's head. With a determined look on his face, he made his way home and formulated what he was going to say to their father. Sam made Valedictorian ... freaking Valedictorian.

S—D

Dean leant against the impala and waited impatiently for Sam, after the discussion or rather the very heated argument on the phone with his father Dean burnt off his temper by going for a run through the foothills close to where they lived. Feeling better, he knew that he would be able to give Sam the news.

Yes, it was the heated and long but Dean won, he had finally argued against his father's wishes and won. However, it was a bittersweet victory.

'Hey Dean.' Sam repeated himself and waved his fingers in front of Dean's face trying to get his attention. 'Dean!'

'Huh? Oh hey Sammy.' Dean blinked furiously as he pulled himself back to the present, 'you're looking pretty please with yourself.'

'Ah I ah ... got a date.' Sam shot the words out as he got into the car, his nervousness getting the better of him.

'Did I hear ya right? My little bro has a date?' Dean teased, 'geek boy's got a girl.'

'Shut up Dean.' Sam felt the heat radiating from his face as he started to blush furiously.

'So who is the girl? Do I know her? Details kiddo, details.'

'Monica Sue Harding, she's in my English class.' Sam said and kept his eyes fixed on the passing traffic, 'Dale's sister.'

Dale Harding was the closest to a friend Dean had in Southern Plains; they worked together at Mike's Mechanic Shop, where Dale was an apprentice mechanic when Dean got his part time job. With the same taste in classic cars, loud music and fast women, they hit it off immediately.

'Yeah, yeah I know Monica, way to go Sam.' Dean cheered when he saw the ghost of a smile grace his brother's lips. 'I ah talked to dad today.' He added as they pulled into the driveway of their small rented house.

'Yeah?' Sam blinked and turned to look at his brother, his large luminous eyes filled with dread, 'what did he have to say?'

'Well ahh it's like this,' Dean got out of the car and leant his arms on the roof so he could look directly at Sam, 'I told him you were made Valedictorian and that we were staying here until the ceremony.'

'What – what did he say?'

'He wasn't happy, but he ... he ah finally agreed.' Dean grimaced and silently hoped that Sam wouldn't ask for details of the deal Dean had to make with their father.

'We, we can stay?' Sam's face lit up with his dimpled smile, 'honest?'

'Yeah but the car has to be packed and as soon as the ceremony is done we're outta here.'

'That, that's fine ... wow I can't believe that dad ... hang on Dean what did you have to promise him?'

'Sam it's nothing come on dunno about you but I'm starving.'

'Dude you're always starving.'

S—D

Graduation Day: 2001

By the time, Dean found Sam his younger brother had managed to say his goodbyes and was ready to go. His face actually ached from smiling so much as the ceremony blurred through the time so quickly he barely had time to take a breath.

'Great speech Sammy.' Dean greeted his brother, 'it was ... from what I heard between naps.' He grinned and gave Sam a good-natured slap on the back, 'forgot how freaking boring these things are.'

'Well not my fault we're down the end of the alphabetical list.' Sam laughed but then he sobered and looked away, 'just wish...'

'Wish what Sammy?'

'I just wish that dad could have been here that's all.' Sam whispered, 'just to have him proud of me for something.'

'Sammy dad ...'

'I know so we're hitting the road or what?' Sam lifted his gaze and grinned at his brother, 'I'm ready if you are.'

'Totally.' Dean shook off the black feeling starting to encroach on him, 'let's ride.'

With the crowds at the ceremony, Dean had to park three blocks away not wanting to risk his baby getting a scratch on her from over-crowding in the school car park.

He looked at his brother and grinned happily, it was so good to see Sam smiling honestly smiling and holding his head high.

The blur of movement, caught the brothers unaware, one minute Sam was standing next to Dean chatting away happily while clutching his high school diploma, and other certificates in his right hand and then, a hard shove from behind had him lose his balance and topple forward into the path of an oncoming car.

In super-slow motion Dean watched as Sam collided with the car, bounced on the bonnet, smashed into the windscreen and then roll seemingly boneless onto the asphalt, his long limbs twisted awkwardly as he finally came to a stop, lying so still, blood pooled around his head like an unholy halo.

'Sammy!' Dean screamed his body moving without the consent of his mind, skidding to a stop he dropped to his knees by his brother's head, 'oh God Sammy.'

'I'm so sorry, he just fell ...' the distraught driver sobbed, 'I didn't have time to stop.'

'Someone call 911.' A voice pierced the fog as it filled Dean's mind and thoughts, he ignored all except for his baby brother lying broken on the road.

'I saw it all, he got pushed.' Someone else volunteered, 'I saw it all.'

'Yeah I saw it too someone shoved that kid onto the road.'

'He's not breathing.'

'Ambulance is on the way.'

'He's not breathing.'

'I didn't have time to stop.'

'I saw it all.'

'He's not breathing.'

The voices merged into a cacophony of noise, around Dean, his entire being focused on doing CPR on his brother, a nameless, faceless person alongside of him doing compressions while he did the breathes, breathing for his only sibling.

Sirens screeched adding to the building noise, police arrived and herded, corralled the onlookers away from the tragic scene. Voices dropped in volume as witnesses clamoured to give their statements to the police. 'Poor kid was waiting to cross the street.'

'Shove came from nowhere, just pushed him into the path of the car.'

'Happened so fast but definitely saw it all, pushed straight into the car.'

On, and on the same statement repeated, but it all merged into a constant white noise around Dean as he felt strong hands try to pull him away from Sam.

'No, no I'm staying with him.' Dean snarled, only agreeing to move to kneel by Sam's head, almost unconsciously he ran his fingers through Sam's blood-matted hair; 'I'm here Sammy, not going anywhere.' Became his mantra as he willed his brother to live.

'Sir we have to take him now.' One of the paramedics made Dean look up at him, 'you coming with us or following?'

'Coming, he can't wake up alone, he's my brother.' Dean wept as he hurried alongside the stretcher, 'he's my baby brother.'

The ambulance screeched tyres and seemingly 'flew' away from the scene as the crowds dispersed leaving only a few stragglers behind, the police and tow truck driver pulling the car onto the truck to be taken for examination. The driver now calmer after sedation sat in the back of a police cruiser waiting for her husband to arrive. A pool of blood marred the asphalt, a little further away lay a graduation certificate splattered with the graduate's blood.

S—D

A large man stormed into the foyer of the hospital and looked around wildly, scruffy was the only way to describe his appearance. He wore a black leather jacket, thick flannel shirt, and jeans that had seen better days. His heavy boots covered in thick mud and grime left a trail of dust in his wake. His deep dimples hidden by stubble more than four days old, the new beard peppered with grey though his hair still dark, was in desperate need of a cut and wash. Although, he looked and acted like a wild mountain man his eyes were startling, darkened with unshed emotion held an intensity that sent shivers down the spine of those who managed to meet his steely gaze. Imposing in height, build, and appearance John Winchester stood his ground and demanded attention without uttering a single word.

'I'm looking for my son.' John stated without preamble, glaring down at the young woman manning the reception.

'Ah w-what's his n-name?' She stammered slightly.

'Sam, Sam Win...'

'Dad over here.' Dean called out rescuing the receptionist from further scrutiny of the elder Winchester.

Turning John stopped and stared at his eldest son, he took in the gauntness of his face, the pallor of his complexion, the dark smudges under his eyes and the seemingly permanent worry lines around his eyes and mouth. The lack of brightness in those forest green eyes broke his toughened hunter's heart faster than anything has in a long time. 'Dean?' He choked out.

'Dad.' Dean felt himself wrapped into a strong embrace he knew so well, relishing the feel of solid muscle and fatherly love for an extra few seconds before he pulled away, 'Sammy's down here.' He said hoarsely, 'in ICU.'

'Dean, what – what happened?' John asked as he hesitated just outside his baby boy's hospital room.

'We were leaving the ceremony, waiting to cross ...parked down the road a bit coz traffic ... and then, and then, someone or something shoved Sammy straight into the path of an oncoming car. It happened so fast I couldn't ...' the words ran into each other as he got it all out in one breath. 'I couldn't save him dad.' He finished with a large sob, tears spilling over once again.

John took a deep breath and pushed the door open, but was still unprepared emotionally with the sight in front of him. 'Oh God.' He whispered, slowly he moved towards the bed, his breath hitching as his gaze travelled over the long body of Sam.

Thick white bandages shrouded Sam's head, his face virtually unrecognisable under the extensive bruising, both eyes swollen shut. A nasal cannula fed him much needed oxygen, his jaw looked almost deformed. A cervical collar kept his neck straight and head upright; his bare chest had electrodes placed where there was little or no bruising. A drainage tube protruded from the left side of his chest, two IV ports decorated the backs of his hands flooding his system with much needed fluids, pain relief, and antibiotics.

'Sammy?' John croaked as he toppled into the chair previously occupied by Dean, his knees failing to hold him upright.

'The doctor's ... the doctor's said that he has two skull fractures and swelling on the brain, his jaw was broken after impacting the bonnet and then the windscreen. Umm his left ... left lung collapsed and ahh he had a – a displaced disk in his neck.'

'Dean?' John returned his attention to his eldest, 'son?'

'It's my fault, it's all my fault.' Dean sobbed brokenly.

'No, no Dean don't you dare blame yourself.'

'If it wasn't for me, we wouldn't have been here ...'

'Dean if anyone's to blame it's me.' John said softly, his gravely voice filled with pent-up emotion, 'I should have been here, I should have been here to go to his graduation, to protect ... both of you.'

'Dad you can't ...'

'Neither can you Dean.'

S—D

John watched his sons sleep, he later found out that Dean needed sedation and admitted for his own sake after suffering two massive panic attacks and dangerously high blood pressure.

His twenty-two year old son had dangerously high blood pressure, 'damn it Mary where did it get so stuffed up?' He mumbled as he pulled the blankets up over Dean's chest and ran a fingertip tenderly along Dean's forehead, 'I'm so sorry Dean.'

He then went to Sam's side and felt his heart break a little more, his precious baby was so broken, and he was helpless to do anything about it. 'I love you son, please, please come back to us.' He whispered as he leant over and brushed a kiss on Sam's forehead.

He sank down into the leather chair, scrubbed his hands over his face and settled back to watch over his children, absently he picked up Sam's backpack, deciding to see if there was something readable in it. His fingers brushed over a soft leather cover, intrigued John pulled it out and opened it. _'Journal of Sam Winchester.'_ Printed neatly on the first page, holding a breath he glanced up at Sam's still form and then back down at the book in his hands.

'I'm sorry Sammy.' He whispered as he opened the journal and settled back, he knew it was wrong to read his son's private thoughts but he so wanted to find an in, something, anything to give him an insight into the life of his estranged youngest son.

S—D

Extracts from the Journal of Sam Winchester:

_Christmas Eve 1992_

_Dean tried but I knew dad wasn't gonna be here, not sure why but I just knew. Dean's such a jerk he gave me presents that were meant to be for girls. Jerk! He tried so hard but I had to tell him I read dad's journal. He actually told me what dad does. He said dad's a hero. He's a hero I guess but why isn't he here with me and Dean? Dean loved his necklace I gave him, I know uncle Bobby gave it to me so I could give it to dad but I think that Dean should have it, he's my hero._

_March 18__th__ 1993_

_Dean is a jerk! Dean wants to train more, coz I know what the family business is I gotta start training. Geeze who died and made him boss? All I want to do is my homework but no, the big jerk wants to fight. Now my knee looks like a baseball and I gotta play basketball at school tomorrow. No fair._

_Dad says we have to leave next week, at least we are gonna go see Pastor Jim, it's cool there so maybe it won't be so bad. Pastor Jim is so easy to talk to, I can tell him anything and I don't feel like I disappoint him._

_April 4__th__ 1993_

_I hate Dad! How come we gotta move again, I just got used to the school and staying with Pastor Jim and now we have to move again. So not fair! I hate this, Dean's all yeah new hunt, so what. I just want to stay at the same school for more than a few weeks, how come dad never listens to me? He listens to Dean, but Dean's his favourite so I guess I don't count._

_May 2__nd__ 1993_

_I hate my life!!! It's my birthday, Dean's with his friends and dad's not here again. I guess I don't exist for them. Can people fade away if they get ignored? _

_Dean came home finally and gave me a card and present, not so bad he gave me the latest Spiderman comic which is pretty cool. I thought he forgot. Pastor Jim mailed me a card with $5.00 in it. WOW. Dean had it in his bag to give me. _

_Dad didn't call me, I guess he's busy being a hero._

_May 3__rd__ 1993_

_Dad came home as a surprise and took us out for pizza, wow he's not so bad I guess, just late … better than not at all. He gave me this super cool hunting knife now I have one just like Dean. _

_June 18__th__ 1993_

_I broke my leg on my first hunt, my life sucks. Then Dean had to draw stuff on my cast, he is such a big jerk, my leg itches and hurts but gotta suck it up, don't want dad to think I'm a big baby. Dean said that I should be proud my first hunting injury. BIG JERK!!!_

_September 15__th__ 1993_

_My new school is great, I met Sadie in history she's really nice and sat with me. Can't tell Dean coz he's so stupid about girls. Hope we can stay here for a while, I really like Sadie._

_Christmas Day 1993_

_We're at Pastor Jim's for Christmas and dad is here too, this is so cool, he got me and Dean a present each and everything._

_March 19__th__ 1994_

_Dad hurt his leg really bad and the doctor said that they might have to cut it off, what will happen then? If dad can't hunt anymore?_

_March 22__nd__ 1994_

_Dad's leg is gonna be okay, he's gonna be on crutches for eight weeks and it'll take a couple more months before he can do anything really hard so it looks like we'll be staying in Colby for a while. Dunno if it's gonna be that good though. Dad can get really cranky._

_August 14__th__ 1994_

_We're getting ready to move again, even after the doctor told dad he still needs at least 4 more weeks of therapy. Dean's not happy he's gotta say goodbye to Nancy._

_October 30__th__ 1994_

_Halloween Sucks big time!!!! I HATE HALLOWEEN, stupid holiday with stupid people in stupid costumes._

_Christmas day 1994_

_Caleb and Josh came for Christmas and coz there's a hunt nearby here and dad needs the help. Stubborn, he says that his legs all better, crap. Dean's full of a cold and can't hunt and I have to look after the two of them. Now who's stupid???_

_February 14__th__ 1995_

_Dean's in love, Hehehe, he tries to hide it from dad but he has a huge hickey on his neck. Donna Lee says that they're gonna get married. Ewww, she's got cross-eyes._

_He got her chocolates for Valentines it's sooo gross._

S—D

John chuckled as he thought of that particular year, Dean's first steady girl-friend for more than two weeks, Donna Lee McDonald, and yes Sammy was right she was cross-eyed and all she did was talk of marrying Dean, planning the wedding and their life together. Sixteen year old Dean nearly had heart failure when she talked of babies and had him begging John to move on.

He glanced over at his eldest son who listened to his walkman and read a magazine on classic cars Josh brought him, oblivious to the scrutiny of his father's gaze. That was also the year Sam learnt to answer back, the beginning of his adolescence.

S—D

_May 2__nd__ 1995_

_It's my 12__th__ birthday today, got an A on my English paper and Dean promised me that we'll get ice cream after school. Gonna be a good day. Just got home and dad rang me, he rang and wished me happy birthday!!! WOW he remembered._

_September 22__nd__ 1995_

_A kid killed himself at school today, he was in Dean's English class, and they said that he cut his wrists in the boys bathroom. Dean looks so strange and sad he didn't want me to tell dad but I did, dad's coming home, the hunt finished early he said but I think that he just wants to see Dean. I never seen Dean look so scared. He said he found Derrick. I don't wanna lose Dean so I don't care if he gets mad I told dad._

_November 19__th__ 1995_

_Thanksgiving is coming up, but dunno if we got much to say thanks for. We moved again, after Dean found his friend Derrick's body in the bathroom at school he got all weird and stuff, he came home drunk tonight, so dad's taking us to live with P. Jim for a while. _

S—D

John put the book down and rubbed at his eyes, refusing to allow the tears fall; his gaze drifted to his unconscious son, a myriad of emotions played across the father's face. Over and over again he read how much his youngest son hated the hunts and constant moving, if only he could make him understand why it was so important.

A young nurse came in carrying a steaming cup of coffee and silently passed it to John before she took Sam's vitals, 'he's holding his own.' She said quietly, 'and his temperature is still relatively normal, that's good news.'

'Thanks nurse.'

'Sophia, my name's Sophia.' She said smiling sweetly, 'I'm the night nurse so if you need anything please don't hesitate in buzzing me.'

'Thanks Sophia and thanks for the coffee.'

'Thought you might need some by now.' She smiled as she finished checking the monitors, noting in Sam's chart the output of the drainage tubes and catheter before she moved to Dean to check his blood pressure, 'still too high.' She commented noting it, 'it has gone down a little but still too high.'

'He's a bad one for bottling things up.' John said with a sad smile, 'two brothers so different, Dean is stubborn and silent, Sam is stubborn but carries the world on his shoulders and very vocal.'

'Sounds like you got quite a pair.'

'Sure have.'

'Okay, I'll be back soon, but I'll just be out at the desk if you need a thing.' Sophia said as she made her way out of the room, her shoes silent on the polished floors, 'if you need another coffee or anything.'

_Just want my son to wake up _the thought ran through John's mind as he settled back down, sipped the coffee and re-opened Sam's journal. Not wanting to invade on his son's privacy anymore but needing to know what makes his son tick even more.

S—D

Extracts from the Journal of Sam Winchester:

_January 1__st__ 1996_

_New Years day and we're on the move again, dunno what happened but dad said we had to go right away. I think it had something to do with his 'working' last night._

_January 24__th__ 1996_

_Must suck being Dean! He got appendicitis and the school called an ambulance, he had to spend his birthday in hospital. We brought him ice cream but he's in a bad mood. He did like his present though, I gave him a new AC-DC t-shirt, coz I wrecked his other one, but this one is a special one the girl at the shop said, coz Bon Scott is still in the band in the picture._

_July 4__th__ 1996_

_We got to watch the fireworks afterall, I'm really tired coz we had to do the salt and burn first and then dad let Dean take me to the fireworks. Dad had a date with Jack and Jose Dean said._

_October 30__th__ 1996_

_Sorry I haven't written for a long time, dad has us training extra hard, says that we gotten soft lately coz a spirit tossed Dean into a tree and me into the side of a crypt._

_Have I mentioned before how much I hate Halloween?_

_November 20__th__ 1996_

_Wow this apartment isn't so bad, for our standards anyway. Dad got a job as a mechanic something about Dean's finishing high school properly. I just wonder how long it's gonna last, not like dad to put our schooling ahead of the hunt._

_November 22__nd__ 1996_

_I knew that dad was up to something, the freaking mechanics shop he's working at is supposed to be haunted. Knew it was too good to be true!!!_

S—D

The screeching of alarms startled John enough to make him jump and drop the book, wiping at his eyes he watched as the nursing staff and doctors flooded into the room and surrounded Sam's bed. Picking up the journal and sliding it into his jacket pocket John went to sit on the edge of Dean's bed, and wait with his eldest, wait for his baby son to keep fighting and to start breathing on his own again.

He barely heard the doctors as they explained why Sam was going back into surgery, something to relieve the pressure on his heart from the build up of fluid in the sac surrounding it and to relieve pressure on his brain, the need for a shunt or some shit like that. Numbly he signed the paperwork giving his permission and watched as they wheeled Sam to the surgical suite.

An hour later, Dean had quietly cried himself to sleep, lying on his side facing the wall not wanting his father to see the tears, John slumped in the chair and tried to workout what went so wrong so fast.

S—D

Extracts from the Journal of Sam Winchester:

_April 20__th__ 1997_

_I really like my school, but I guess we'll have to leave soon. Mr Wyatt is so cool he gave me an A for my paper, even if he though it was fiction ... if only he knew._

_Barry is a cool guy, wish he would stand up for himself though. Dean said that I gotta stand up to bullies, that I can take em. I know I can, but I am so tired of being the freak, the new kid, I just don't want to be noticed anymore. Geeze I wish I could grow some more, so embarrassing being such a shrimp. Dad says just give it time, that he didn't get really tall until he turned fifteen, yeah right, bet dad's always been tall just like Dean. Though he was really proud of my A from Mr Wyatt so that's something coz I mucked up big time with training, I know what I did wrong but it's so hard when Dean is so much taller._

_So funny Dean's girlfriend wants him to meet her parents, dude he don't do parents! Such an idiot. _

_I hope my bruises are gone before dad comes home; I don't want him to find out about Dirk, I can take care of it myself. Tired of being treated like a baby, wish dad and Dean would let me do more but they keep saying that I'm too young. Yeah right._

_At least I can research better than Dean, even dad says so I love reading all of that cool stuff, even if it gets boring. And dad said my Latin is getting so much better all the time maybe he'll let me help with an exorcism one day soon. _

_May 2__nd__ 1997_

_I asked dad about mom, wow was that a mistake. I just want to know a little about her, do I look like her? Does Dean? How come they won't talk to me about mom? _

_May 2__nd__ 1997_

_Dear Mom,_

_I know that you are watching me, and Dean. Sorry bout Dean he tries but sometimes he can be a real idiot. He looks after me really good mom so you don't have to worry bout that. Dad spends lots of time hunting monsters and away from us. Dean said that dad's a hero and he saves lots of lives. I wish I could have known you mom, I wish I could remember you, I miss you mommy. _

_I can't tell Dean or dad they wouldn't understand that I need to talk to you sometimes. At least they don't know bout this. Today is my birthday, dad is actually home tonight so he's taking us out for dinner and to the movies, I love it when he's around like this, makes it feel like we still a family. Sorry mom, I wish you were here with us, dad says it's not my fault what happened, but if it wasn't for me. I mean gee mom he was standing in my nursery while I was in the cot so he had to have wanted me and you got killed coz of me. I am so sorry mommy, I try to be a good son I really do. Anyway I had better go and get ready dad hates to wait. _

_I'll write to you again soon._

_With all my love your son Sam._

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

Pages of a Life.

A Teen!chester story

Disclaimer: Nope not mine, sigh, just checked again and nope nothing. No money has passed through the empty coffers either.

Author's Note: Sam is 18 and Dean is 22, set before the big fight and Sam goes to Stanford.

CHAPTER TWO

John felt the book slide from his hands as a lone tear finally escaped and trailed down his face, that was something he can fix, he can tell Sam about his mother show him some faded photographs, tell him about when he was born, about Dean's birth, about the happier times.

_How could I have wrecked things so badly for my youngest? Dean barely remembers his mother does he feel the same way?_ He drained the coffee cup and put it on the floor and then stood up suddenly feeling restless, a nervous tension ran through his taut muscles. Carrying Sam's journal tightly against his chest John headed towards the desk just outside Sam's room, 'Sophia I just have to make a couple of phone calls, I'll be right back.'

'No problems John, I'll page you if anything changes.' The young nurse smiled and then glanced at her watch, 'actually it's time to change Sam's dressings, and drain bags so take your time.'

John made his way to the front of the hospital, his mind, body and soul were all numb all except his heart it wasn't just broken it was completely fractured.

'Bobby it's John Winchester.' He spoke into the phone when he heard the gruff and sleepy hello at the other end. 'I need ... I need your help.'

S—D

Extract from the Journal of Sam Winchester:

_December 3__rd__ 1997_

_I am so freaking pissed off, what is it about dad and Dean? They think that I'll roll over and play stupid or what? I did all of the research for this hunt, everything but did this make dad happy? No!! Did it make Dean happy? No!!_

_What the hell do they want from me anyway? Dad tells me that I'm not training hard enough, my mind isn't in the game and benches me to research. Hey I love it! I'm not complaining at all. Yeah right and then, then he turns around and rags on my research._

_I told them, I showed them the research they shut me down and who gets hurt??? Not me! But hey it'll still be my fault coz I should have made them listen to me. What a load of shit. Course I was the one who had to stitch the pair of them up and then listen to them puke. Yeah it's a great life._

_January 8__th__ 1998_

_What did I do to deserve this life? I love Dean he is the best though he is the biggest jerk ever to walk the earth but at least he's here for me._

_Dad is a no show yet again, it's so cold here but gotta suck it up I am a Winchester after all. _

_I tried I really did and yet dad isn't happy with me, what do I have to do to make that man happy with me? I'm not Dean but he wants me to be the perfect soldier just like Dean. I guess at least I've started to actually grow and nearly as tall as Dean now._

_March 3__rd__ 1998_

_So not fair, not my fault I tripped I didn't put the root there, I didn't put that stupid tree there but the way dad ripped into me you think that I planned it perfectly and then to top it off that stupid assed ghost tossed me, again not my fault I was covering dad and Dean. So now, I got a sprained ankle and fractured wrist and the silent treatment from Dad coz I should have paid more attention. Yeah right, how come he didn't rag on Dean when he got tossed by said spook when he wasn't paying attention? I know dad says with work I can get better but how much more do I have to do?._

_May 2__nd__ 1998_

_Dad is actually home for my birthday! WOW it's gonna be a great day._

_Life sucks big time, Dean got the impala as a birthday present, Dean got a cool hunting knife the birthday before that, Dean got a leather jacket for another birthday. What did dad give me?_

_Hmm gee let me think, oh yeah " funds were tight this year son, I'll make it up to you I promise". So I got a card and pizza for dinner. Uncle Bobby sent me a really cool book on Alchemy I love it. Pastor Jim sent me a card with $20 in it, I'm gonna hide it from Dean. We had the pizza for dinner and then Dean took me to the movies so I guess it wasn't too bad in the end, except that he picked the movie._

_Dad left me his old leather jacket, it was sitting on the end of my bed when I woke up, guess it was his way of easing guilt. At least it's warm and fits me Guess dad was right about me getting taller as I got older not that I'm gonna tell him that!_

_August 1__st__ 1998_

_Hospital sucks, concussion sucks, my life sucks._

_Well okay hospital is alright I guess, I met a candy striper named Chelsea she is so nice and pretty gotta make sure that Dean doesn't meet her. Though she's too young for him, she likes to read the same books I read, but I guess if she's too young for Dean does that make her too old for me? Nah means I gotta make sure that they don't meet that's all._

_August 7__th__ 1998_

_Spending a month at U. Bobby's Yard, I love his library. The doctor said that I had to rest so dad dumped me here and took off with Dean. I miss my brother so much I know that I'm just a nuisance for dad. Always getting hurt or doin something clumsy. Not my fault my feet got so big. Uncle Bobby tries he really does but I want my brother. Geeze that makes me sound like a pussy._

_Why couldn't Dean stay with me? Then again, he's dad's soldier and I'm just a waste of space. These headaches are killing me make me feel like crap. I want Dean._

_December 26__th__ 1998_

_Christmas was okay this year, dad broke his leg hunting a Wendingo so he has to stay put. We're at P. Jim's dunno what happened but we don't go and see U. Bobby anymore, which sucks big, big time. _

_P. Jim had a big tree, and had lots of things to do with the church, I think it's one of the best Christmases we've ever had. The three of us are together, that's all I want don't need presents. _

_Dear mom, _

_sorry I haven't written for a while but I want to … hope you had a … do you still celebrate Christmas in heaven? I know that you're in heaven are you an angel now?_

_Dad is so funny with his broken leg, he gets so mad and spluttery especially when the cast makes his leg itch. I think it's the longest we've stayed put for a long time, I love it here at Pastor Jim's. Dean got caught asleep at services yesterday mom, did you see him? So Funny!!!! Dad is planning to leave as soon as his cast comes off but I don't think he'll be able to, he's pretty stubborn mom._

_Okay I had better go I can hear dad hollerin' for something,_

_I'll write again_

_All my love your son Sam._

S—D

John paced the width of the small two-bed hospital room, Dean was watching the TV above his bed with headphones on so he didn't disturb anyone. John had to chuckle to himself while he watched as Dean bopped his head in time to the music only he could hear his soft giggles though louder than Dean realised burst the bubble of silence and constant beeping of Sam's monitors for John, a brief respite in the cone of silence.

It's been two weeks since someone or something pushed Sam into the path of an oncoming car. Two weeks since Sam was awake, talking and laughing, two weeks since John started reading Sam's journal.

Bobby and Joshua were already investigating the accident, needing to know if it was Supernatural or not. Joshua agreed to come to keep the peace between the two men, neither one willing to give in to each other, both too stubborn for their own good. So Joshua acted as the go-between and hoped each day that Sammy would be the catalyst to bring the two friends back together.

'Dad?' Dean pulled the headphones off and tossed them on the bed, 'yo dad.'

'Huh? Sorry Dean what's wrong?'

'Nuthin' just bored.' Dean yawned and stretched, he hated being confined to bed at the best of times, 'no change?'

'No son, no change,' John fingered the leather-bound book in his jacket pocket, silently wondering if he should say something to Dean but then again, Dean doesn't need to know everything and there's somethings in there that should be just for Sam.

'John, Dean,' Doctor Mitch Milne came into the room with a harried looking nurse behind him. Aged in his late forties, Mitch had worked in the hospital since his first shift as a student doctor and stayed, specialising in Neurosurgery, he could have easily obtained work in any prestigious hospital in the country but he often said that just coz it's a small community hospital doesn't mean that the patients don't have the need for specialists like their city counterparts.

A single father of two grown sons of his own, his wife died in an accident when their youngest son was only a baby, he raised them on his own and often said that they were sent to save his sanity or to cause his insanity he was never sure which. Tall, thin and looking as though he needed a good hot meal Mitch Milne took his glasses off and rubbed at his eyes tiredly. 'We've got Sam's latest test results.'

'And?'

'Why don't we take a seat, and Dean can lie down again.'

'Ah doc but...'

'Off your feet Dean.' Mitch grinned, Dean reminded him so much of his son Trent, 'now.'

'Daaad?' Dean whinged at his father but the look he got back in answer made him put his feet back under the blankets and settle back on his pillows, crossing his arms across his chest he looked like a pouting six year old.

'Anyway Doc you said that you have Sam's results?' John steered the conversation back to the most important subject: Sam.

'Yeah, there's some good news, the swelling on his brain has reduced dramatically,' Mitch started taking a deep breath before he continued systematically working through the list of injuries, 'also as you can see the swelling around his eyes has reduced and his jaw is starting to heal nicely.'

'Why do I hear a but coming?' Dean quipped his voice still tinged with his pouting.

'I am worried about the fact that Sam has yet to show any signs of waking, I spoke to his surgeon and the ICU registrar this morning in our weekly meeting, the drainage tubes have been removed from his chest and his lung sounds are clear, his temperature is slightly elevated but nothing to be worried about, no signs of any infections, his surgical sites are healing nicely. Basically there is nothing that is keeping him from waking, physically speaking that is.'

'So what's stopping him from waking?' John asked casting a worried glance at his youngest, does Sam know that he's reading from the journal? That he's punishing his father for invading his privacy?

'Nothing, really, it's just going to be a matter of time, keep talking to him, and being here for him it all helps.'

John and Dean talked to the doctor for a while longer before the medic had to return to his rounds. While they talked the nurse made note of all of Sam's readings and took his vitals before moving to Dean and recording his blood pressure. She gave him a small wink and pretty smile 'much better Dean.'

'Ah Sharon you're gonna make it go up again leaning in like that.' Dean grinned and wriggled his eyebrows at her suggestively, 'how about a bed bath?'

S—D

John finished eating his burger and tossed his rubbish in the bin before sitting down with Sam's journal, Dean had fallen asleep just after dinner and Sam was still ... well still.

Bobby and Josh put an appearance in when they brought the burgers for dinner, a lean one for Dean with salad, and some fried onions much to his dismay. Though he brightened a little with a slice of cherry pie, they didn't have the heart to tell him that it was a sugar free pie with low-fat pastry.

Before he opened the book, he stood up and went to Sam's bedside, tenderly he stroked his baby son's forehead, brushing errant hairs away, 'come back to us Sammy, we have so much to catch up with, to make up for.' John whispered leaning down close to his son's ear, 'I am so sorry Sammy, sorry for not being there for you, especially not being there for your graduation. I should never have missed that, I've already missed out on so much in your life.' John heaved a heavy sigh, brushed a kiss on Sam's cheek and then went back to recline in the leather chair, stifling a yawn he opened the book, intent on finishing the journal, intent on getting to know his son for the first time in eighteen years.

S—D

Extracts from the Journal of Sam Winchester:

_January 1__st__ 1999_

_New Year's Day and we're sitting in the hospital waiting room, man I've never been so scared as what I was when I saw dad. He looked dead. Dean said that he'll be okay but how can someone look so white be alright? Where's all of his blood? It was a black dog attack and it bit his neck._

_So scared what will happen to us if dad dies? Will CPS take me away from Dean?_

_January 10__th__ 1999_

_They took me away from my dad and brother coz they said that dad couldn't look after me, I didn't want to go AND they hurt my arm. I thought Dean was gonna kill em. I got a plaster on my right wrist, doctors said it was a hairline fracture but they said it was my fault coz I fought back. I want Dean, I want my Dad._

_January 12__th__ 1999_

_Dean's driving the impala with dad in the back asleep, U. Bobby came and he's driving dad's truck back to the salvage yard. I feel so sick, and my headaches are getting worse, Dean and to break me out of the children's home Dean and dad are my heroes they came and got me, I was so scared I'd never see em again, they told me at the home that they were sending me to a boy's home in another county. _

_January 24__th__ 1999_

_Dean's birthday, and it's just me and Dean so I planned something for him. I know it's not much but I think Dean'll like it. I made his card, bit lame I know but I spent all of my money on his present, I got him Metallica's new album in cassette so he can listen to it in the car. I was hoping that dad might have made it back but doesn't matter._

_My headaches are still there, I don't want Dean to worry coz then he'd find out what happened in that home. _

_Dad's home! Yay that means Dean won't keep asking me questions. Wish I could get rid of the plaster, it itches like mad._

_February 27__th__ 1999_

_Gee didn't realise how long it's been since I wrote in here. Dad's been around a lot lately not sure what's going on. He found an apartment for us to live in, it's not so bad the neighbours are nice. Especially Mrs Arnott across the hall she makes awesome cookies. My wrist still aches but I don't want to worry dad or Dean they've been so cool lately. _

_March 19__th__ 1999_

_Dad said that we can stay till the end of the school year, I think it has to do with that Mrs Arnott, she's pretty friendly with dad and offers to sit with me when they're out working. Hmm wonder if he told her what he does for a living? The real job._

_I don't mind Mrs Arnott, she's pretty and smart and she makes dad laugh._

_June 4__th__ 1999_

_Dad said we're leaving, as soon as our last classes finish, dunno what happened but he's not letting Dean talk him into staying any longer than necessary. Dad and Dean are having a big argument but as usual I'm too young to be included. Jerks!!_

_November 2__nd__ 1999_

_I caused another explosion tonight, now dad's pissed at me and Dean won't look at me, all I wanted to know is what happened to Mom, it's her anniversary today and I wanted to know exactly how she died. I know it had to do with fire and something supernatural but dad and Dean are clamming up on me. I hate this I have a right to know she's my mom too._

_Dear Mom_

_Sorry I stopped writing to you, it's not that I don't love you anymore it's just, well it hurts coz I don't know what happened but I know that it's my fault. You died coz of me, sometimes I dream of you burning on the ceiling above me and I can't help you. I try to hide my dreams from dad and Dean but well Dean always knows._

_He's pretty awesome as a big brother most of the time, he sat up with me last night after my dream. I keep seeing this weird face with yellow eyes and can hear em laughing at me._

_I feel like such a freak mom, like I don't belong, dad and Dean are happy together and well I just don't belong. I do good research dad tells me that all the time, I'm the best that he's ever seen but Dean's the better hunter and fighter. Sigh, am I a freak or what???_

_I met a girl the other day mom but well what's the point of getting to know her? I mean we'll move before I can get up enough courage to ask her out. I dunno how Dean does it._

_Speaking of Dean he's hollering, dinner time maybe he's talking to me again?? Maybe dad? Anyway I love you mom and I'll never forget you or your anniversary._

_All of my love Sam._

_November 30__th__ 1999_

_Back at P. Jim's, (SIGH) dad's gone off his freaking head I'm sure of it, now I'm not allowed to go on anymore hunts until get this ... until I shape up! I'm a liability though I knew that he didn't want me to hear that bit! Shoulda seen his face when he saw me standing there, it would have been funny if I wasn't so pissed. I'll give him a freaking liability! He can do his own research, I have to study anyway._

_December 15__th__ 1999_

_It has been 10 days since we heard from dad and Dean, P. Jim says not to worry that they'll be okay but damn I can't help it. What if something happened to them? What if the last words I said to dad was I hate you? What if Dean is gone?_

_I want Dean, I don't care if it makes me sound like a pussy, I don't care!!_

_December 18__th__ 1999_

_P. Jim rang U. Bobby, now I know he's more than worried, God I can't believe dad, he drags Dean off without telling anybody anything, no phone calls nothing and calls me a freaking liability. FUCK I hate him right now. I just want them home safe._

_December 23__rd__ 1999_

_U. Bobby found em. Gave dad an ear full and walked out but he came here and told me and P. Jim. Dad's fine the bastard, Dean's in hospital he nearly died!!!_

_Dean nearly died and that man didn't let me know!!! They said that Dean was taken by some sort of Voodoo priestess and was missing for 3 days. What is wrong with dad? _

_December 25__th__ 1999_

_They're home, I dunno whether to cry or to yell at them. Dean looks really bad, he's asleep in his bed, I'm watching him while I write this. Dad and P. Jim are talking downstairs, I don't want to hear what he has to say. Dean's so pale and thin, he hardly stays awake and when he is he has this funny look in his eyes. He hasn't said anything to me but that's okay I got my brother home. Merry Christmas!!_

S—D

John let the tears fall he remembered that Christmas so clearly, replaying it in his mind how can he ever explain to Sam exactly what happened and why he couldn't tell anyone what happened and why.

He still had nightmares about the day he found Dean, strapped down on an altar, a dullness to his eyes that made John think he was too late and Dean was already dead. He took him to a Cajun healer first and then to a hospital where Bobby tracked them down. It took so long for Dean to fully come back to them, every so often he'd have that faraway dull look in his eyes, and John's heart would skip a beat.

That priestess always said that she was gonna come back for Dean, one day and John wouldn't be able to stop her. He should have gone back and killed her but by the time he got Dean help it was too late and she had disappeared.

Swiping at his eyes with the back of his hand he turned and saw his son watching him, deep green eyes fixed and staring at the spectacle John was making. 'Dad what is it? What's wrong? Is it Sam?'

'No, no there's no change,' John sniffled crossing the room to sit on the edge of Dean's bed, 'just remembering stuff is all.'

'Dad? You're scaring me.'

'Just got to thinking about the ... how the hunt has affected you, your brother he hated me for a long time there.'

'No, no he didn't dad he just didn't understand.'

'Christmas 1999, when you nearly died from the voodoo priestess' attack, Sam hated me so much then I don't know what would have happened if ...'

'Yeah but he got over it dad, he doesn't really hate you. He was scared that's all.'

John shook his head sadly, 'I don't think he's ever really forgiven me for putting you in so much danger.'

'Nah, he can get a bit stubborn but ... we both love ya dad.' Dean blinked furiously and turned his gaze over to his wayward brother, 'ya shoulda seen him at the graduation ceremony dad. He looked like he owned the place, he was so good, everyone shut up and listened to him and I dunno it was like seeing him in a different life, a different future.'

'Not hunting?'

'Well maybe it's when the demon's dead and we've kicked all of the supernatural arses back to hell.'

'Perhaps, he was good was he?'

'Damn dad, and his speech ... it was brilliant dad.'

John nodded his head sadly 'you're right Dean I should have been there.'

'I kept a copy of his speech dad,' Dean said reaching over to the cabinet next to the bed, 'I thought ...'

'Thanks Dean.' John took the pages from his son with a shaking hand when a soft moan from the other bed snagged their attention.

'Sammy?' Dean breathed, 'dad is he?'

'Sam?' John hurried to the other bed and leant down over Sam, his fingers ghosting over the pasty white features, 'Sammy?'

'Dad?' Dean appeared on the other side of Sam's bed, his entire body shivering with fear, excitement and chill.

'Dammit Dean.' John growled softly grabbing the robe from the back of the door and wrapped it around his son's shoulders.

'He moved dad.' Dean jutted his chin in the direction of Sam, his gaze fixed on the long tapered fingers as once again a tiny movement flittered through them.

A tiny crease formed between Sam's eyes and another moan slipped from his lips, as though he was finally registering pain, John grabbed the call button and pressed it continuously until Sharon came running in.

'What is it?' She gasped breathlessly, 'I was with another patient.'

'Sam's moved and he's moaning I think he's in pain.' John said without lifting his gaze from his youngest's face.

'Pain?' Sharon blinked and then shook herself slightly, 'I need to check Sam's vitals.'

'Dean back to bed.'

'Nuhhuh dad.'

'Then in the chair now.' John ordered, safely tucking the copy of Sam's speech in his pocket with the journal. Dean grumbled under his breath but gratefully sank into the leather chair, he was exhausted even though he had done nothing for so long.

Sharon moved around Sam's bed, making note of the readouts and numbers on the screens and then took his temperature, blood pressure and pulse, checked the OX clip and oxygen levels, 'I'm going to page Doctor Milne he's on duty tonight.'

'Sharon?'

'Sam's showing signs of waking but I think you're right about him exhibiting outward signs of pain.' Sharon gave the weary father and son a small encouraging smile, 'I'll be right back.'

S—D

Over the next two days Sam showed definite signs of waking though it still seemed a long way off. Every so often, his fingers flicked and fretted the blankets beneath them, or a soft moan escaped from his lips, or his eyes moved rapidly under the thin lids, though that was it.

Dean returned to his own bed, a heavy cloud of depression started to hang over him, he hardly ate now, only spoke when asked a question and wouldn't make eye contact with anyone. He just lay on his side and watched his brother.

Bobby and Joshua came in to visit every day, they were still following leads as to who had done this and why, why Sam and why on his graduation day? Pastor Jim arrived after taking a sabbatical from the church to be with the Winchesters, taking it upon himself to find them a small residence instead of various motels and hotels. The two bedroom apartment was only three blocks away from the hospital and gave the hunters a base of operations as well as somewhere for John to rest.

Life seemed to coast along, slowly, ever so slowly with Sam setting the pace for the way the others led their lives.

John finally left the hospital room for a shower and rest, leaving Joshua sitting with the boys, reluctantly he agreed that he needed a break and went back to the apartment. For the first time in weeks he enjoyed a long hot shower, two hours solid sleep and a hot meal, feeling refreshed and almost human again he went back to the hospital to relieve Josh. Bobby kept his distance while John was at the apartment, preferring to continue following a potential lead, not wanting to say anything until he had definite results but it looked as though he was finally on the right track.

S—D

Stretching John took his usual post on the leather chair between the beds of the two boys, although Dean's blood pressure was back to within normal ranges, the doctor spoke to John and suggested in letting Dean remain in the hospital room, for monitoring. Initially John balked at the idea, already worried with the cost of Sam's medical bills when he was floored with the news that someone was covering all costs. Still reeling of the news about a generous benefactor; John dropped his head down to rest on his hands and once again let the tears flow. After weeping himself dry he sat up and glanced over at the still sleeping Dean, and then at Sam before he went back to Sam's journal.

S—D

Extracts from the Journal of Sam Winchester:

_January 24__th__ 2000_

_Dean's 21__st__, wow he's survived to 21 I dunno how he did it. I gave Dean a beaded bracelet, it had little skulls on it but it was also a protection amulet for him, just like the pendant I gave him for Christmas that year. He said he loved it and I hope he does, Dean's still not quite the same since that voodoo lady got him. sometimes I see him just zone out and stare into space like he's listening to something or can see something no one else can._

_Dad gave Dean his pearl-handled glock and it made me feel like I was a bit of a cheapskate with the bracelet but Dean said he really did love it. Tomorrow we have to pack up and go to Wyoming apparently there's something killing and mutilating the cows there. But tonight is Dean's night I thought that he would want to take out Cheryl his new girlfriend for the week but he took me out to the movies and ice cream instead, Dean is awesome. Dad stayed home and did research, when we got back he let Dean have a drink with him and we played cards until it was time to go to bed._

_Feels good to have my family back._

_March 4__th__ 2000_

_Second new school this semester, I hate it how am I gonna graduate next year? Dean says not to worry coz I get straight 'A's but it's so hard keeping it all together, researching full time and hunting with dad and Dean. Amanda West wants me to go to a party with her next Saturday but I'll have to say no, there's on chance of going on a date when dad is in full on hunt mode. I just feel so lonely at times._

_May 2__nd__ 2000_

_My 17__th__ birthday, sigh dad and Dean are on their way back, I got stuck home with a throat infection they said that they'll be here to help me celebrate. Just so lonely I miss Dean. I can hear a noise downstairs, maybe it's them._

_May 30__th__ 2000_

_So in regards to my last entry, it wasn't dad or Dean, some prick decided to break into our place. As if we have anything worth stealing. Coz my throat infection made me feel so crappy and I couldn't hear properly, the dude got the jump on me, some great big hunter I am. I sneezed and coughed him into submission! Hehehe. Dad and Dean came home just in time or I think I'd be writing this journal six feet under._

_At least I know I got a good knee in the guys junk before he got me good, at least no concussion this time._

_June 1__st__ 2000_

_So another school year comes to an end, fuck I graduate next year, only 12__th__ grade to go and then dad'll want me to join the family business with him and Dean. but what if I don't want to go? What if I want to go to college? Have a life away from hunting?_

_Dean says I'm a pussy and calls me Samantha but ah shit I dunno what I want._

_I loved Dean and dad but I want to be someone other than Dean's kid brother and dad's baby boy. God I hate it when he calls me that._

_September 10__th__ 2000_

_I love my school I wonder if dad'll let me stay here until I graduate? This is a pretty cool place to live. I don't have friends though outside school. I've learnt the hard way not to make good friends, I think that I'm destined to be on my own. So I guess I had better get used to the loneliness coz it's gonna be with me a helluva long time._

_November 2__nd__ 2000_

_Dear mom,_

_I dunno if I should say happy anniversary or what but I just wanted to let you know that I still love you and am thinking of you all of the time. Umm I'm in grade 12 now, and doing okay well better than okay I love senior year, am doing a short course in Law and Ethics it's fantastic. I met this girl Monica she's really nice mom but she doesn't even know I exist._

_Dean's doing okay he even got a part time job as a mechanic and dad comes and goes but it well life feels stable for a while. It's weird but dad seems almost happy don't get me wrong mom but I don't think it's life here with me and Dean making dad so happy. Hell he even praised me the other day doing he exorcism. I gotta go mom it's my turn to cook dinner._

_I'll write again soon, love you mom_

_Your loving son Sam._

_December 20__th__ 2000_

_I have saved enough money this year to buy Dean and dad some presents, this is gonna be a totally awesome Christmas, we've managed to stay in one place for nearly a year. WOW!!! So what do ya get two hunters? I know Dean would love a year's subscription to Busty Asian Women and he thinks I don't know about his stash! Of course I only read them for the articles._

_January 24__th__ 2001_

_Well it's Dean's birthday and the ass-wipe got himself all banged up again, so I decided instead of a present I'll be his slave for the day. Note to self, next time I suggest that, kick myself hard!!_

_I am so freaking tired!!! How many glasses of water can a person drink????_

_April 28__th__ 2001_

_Finals are nearly over and we're getting organised for the graduation, I can't believe it, I'm graduating high school. How can I let dad know that I'm looking into colleges? That I have already had some good responses from places like Stanford and Yale. Amazing._

_June 3__rd__ 2001_

_I still can't believe Dean managed to talk dad into letting us stay until the ceremony, I will find out the deal Dean made coz dad wouldn't have just caved that easily._

_Man I hope that my speech is okay, it's taken forever to write it._

_Damn I gotta go Dean's yellin' for me, I'll finish this later ..._

S—D

John read Sam's last entry and then closed the book running his fingertips over the soft leather cover, with a heavy heart he pulled the copy of Sam's speech out and started to read it, suddenly needing to know exactly what his baby boy said.

S—D

Extracts of the Valedictorian Speech by Sam Winchester:

_...family is more than just blood relations, family is communication, love, understanding, fighting, punishments and praise. As seniors in the year 2001 we are about to go out and make our mark in the world. To create our own families and networks ..._

_We need to create a world free of evil and horror, where our children and their children can grow happily and safely, we need to take responsibility for what we do now to the world we live in ..._

_And in conclusion, I want to thank my family, my dad and my brother, my extended family blood or not, they have all helped me become the person I am today and who I know I will become. Sacrifice is not hardship, is not going without, it is knowing what to do for family without hesitation, no matter what. Our future is waiting for us, our future, freedom, and family._

_TBC_


	3. Chapter 3

**Pages of a Life.**

A Teen!chester story

**Disclaimer:** Nope not mine, sigh, just checked again and nope nothing. No money has passed through the empty coffers either.

**Author's Note:** Sam is 18 and Dean is 22, set before the big fight and Sam goes to Stanford.

S—D

CHAPTER THREE

John's hands trembled so much he could hardly make out the last few words, all he kept reading was the word family. 'Ah damn it Sammy.'

'You okay dad?' Dean placed a strong hand on his father's shoulder and squeezed it, 'you feelin' okay?'

'Yeah I'm fine son, what are you doing?'

'Thought that I'd go and see if Sharon could rustle us up some coffee,' Dean grinned, 'and see if I can get a bed bath.'

'You're incorrigible Dean.' John laughed but sobered immediately when he heard a noise coming from the other bed, 'Sammy?'

Once again father and brother stood around their youngest's bed watching and waiting for further signs of waking. Sam wrinkled his nose and the tip of his tongue flicked out slightly testing the dryness of his lips.

'Sammy?' John cupped Sam's cheek in his hand and gently ran the pad of his thumb over the high cheekbone, 'come on son wake up for me.'

S—D

Two days later:

Two glazed and slightly unfocused eyes fluttered open and stared at the white ceiling above. Blinking a few times helped to clear his sight a little but the edges were still fuzzy and out of focus. After a few moments he tried to roll his head, experimentally to one side but his stiff neck refused to co-operate, taking a deep breath this time he tried to roll it to his right side, this time a little more successfully. Running the tip of his tongue over his lips, he cringed at the dryness and the lingering taste of dried blood.

Blinking a few times again, he tried to focus on the other people in the room, two seemed familiar and one was wearing a white lab coat. A frown appeared on his forehead as his sight started to grey out again.

Moving his attention downward he focussed on the fingers of his right hand, lifting his hand enough to see his fingers he tried flexing them. Wincing with the pain after not using them for so long, his joints felt stiff and heavy. He tried to lift his left hand but it felt numb and heavy. Like someone had placed a weight down his entire left arm and then removed it from the rest of his body.

Tears of frustration pooled in his eyes and he mutely stared at the three men on the other side of the room, they could have been on the other side of the moon for him to reach them. Panic started to set in, his breathing hitched and blood pressure rose exponentially as his body refused to co-operate with his mind.

S—D

Dean listened to Doc Milne and his father talking about Sam's prognosis but he wasn't taking in anything, idly he let his gaze wander over to his brother's bed, a frown forming on his face as he watched the slight movements. He scrubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands before looking once again, though this time he heard the faint whimper as well.

Pushing past the older men, Dean hurried over to his brother's bed, 'hey Sammy.' He said quietly; leaning down he took Sam's hand in his own and gently ran his fingers over Sam's forehead, 'nice to see ya awake.'

Sam stared up at the familiar face hovering over him, he wasn't sure who it was but he felt so safe and calm he felt himself relax slightly. He tried to speak but his mouth refused to work for him, his lower lip trembled and tears started to trickle down his face.

'Hey, hey Sammy it's okay.' Dean spoke softly, soothingly and continued his gentle ministrations, 'it's okay I'm here.'

'Dean?' John turned in time to hear and see Dean comforting Sam, 'Sammy?'

'He's awake dad.' Dean's cracking voice filled the void between them but he didn't look over his shoulder to look at his father.

'So our patient finally decided to wake up?' Doctor Mitch Milne joined Dean and John at Sam's bedside, 'let's see how you're doing.'

Sam panicked at the sight of the two other men and turned an imploring stare to the first one, the one who knew he was safe with.

'Sh it's okay Sammy, it's just dad and the doctor.' Dean continued to run his fingers over Sam's forehead and then card them through the wisps of fringe, 'I'm right here with ya little bro.'

'Sam can you move your legs for me?' Doctor Milne asked lightly touching Sam's left foot, 'this one first.'

'Easy does it Sammy, you can do it.' Dean coached his terrified little brother. Sam tried to lift his foot, the strain taking his breath away, he looked up to his brother who shook his head no.

'That's fine Sam what about your right foot?' The doctor continued with the exam, smiling slightly when he saw Sam lift his right foot slightly and move his toes. 'Excellent Sam.'

'Way to go bro.' Dean encouraged Sam and glanced over at their still silent father. John visibly shook himself out of his reverie and gave his sons a shaky smile.

'That's excellent Sam, well done.' He smiled and carefully placed his hand on top of Sam's head away from the bandages and tubes.

'Okay Sam can you lift your left arm and hand for me? Wriggle your fingers?' The doc continued keeping his professional mask on when nothing happened, 'that's great what about your right hand?'

Sam frowned and stared at his right hand, lifting it slightly off the bed he wriggled his fingers and then let it drop back down, exhaustion taking over. He looked up at the loving face above him searching the bright green eyes for signs of approval and recognition. 'Way to go Sammy.' Dean enthused squeezing Sam's hand right hand, 'you're doing great.'

'I am so proud of you son.' John said hoarsely bending down to brush a kiss on Sam's forehead, 'I am so proud of you.'

Sam blinked at his father and brother, tears trickled down his face as he gave them a tremulous smile before falling into a deep dreamless sleep.

S—D

A week later:

Sam glared at his therapist and refused to budge, his silence making more of a statement than any yelling he may have done. Dean strolled into his brother's new room on the rehab floor, humming softly, feeling the best he felt for a long time he was staying with his brother at night but also going to the apartment to rest and shower.

'So Sammy what did the nice therapist do now?' Dean asked as he sat on the edge of Sam's bed and ran his hand down the side of his brother's face affectionately.

'N-Nuthin'.' Sam pushed the words out, frustration oozing from his entire being.

'Sammy what is it?' Dean pushed but kept his tone light, neutral sounding.

'H-Hurts.' Sam pouted.

'It's supposed to hurt a little Doofus, that's how you know the therapy is working.' Dean smiled and then glanced up at the irritable looking therapist and narrowed his stare, his eyes cold, 'what did you do to him?'

'Your brother can't be coddled or he won't get anywhere.' The woman hissed angrily, 'he won't try.'

'Sammy's the strongest person I know if he's not trying it's because he can't or it hurts just too damn much.'

'Then he has to try harder.'

'Think that might be enough for today.' Dean announced effectively dismissing the woman. He heard her 'humph' from behind and then the clatter of her shoes as she stormed away. 'Guess we showed her huh Sammy?'

Sam gave his brother a lopsided grin and then winced again, 'h-h-urts.'

'Where Sammy?' Dean watched as Sam lifted a shaking right hand up to point at his head. 'h-h-hurts.'

'You got a headache?' Dean cupped Sam's cheek with a comforting hand for a second and then went to find the nurse.

'D-d-d-on't-t g-g-go.' Sam whispered wretchedly he hated feeling so weak and out of control.

'I won't.' Dean pressed the call button and returned to his brother's side.

S—D

John took over from Bobby in the hunt for Sam's assailant when the other hunter had to return home to follow up another lead. Joshua sighed as he managed to keep them from ripping each other a new one before Bobby left. So far, they discovered that it was a demonic attack on the youngest Winchester, the woman who pushed Sam finally found in an alley with her throat slashed and traces of sulphur all around her body but other than that had no connection to him at all.

That was where the trail ended, Bobby wanted to go and contact a psychic he knows Pamela Barnes, he was sure that she may have a way of finding out more. Reluctantly Pastor Jim also left returning to Blue Earth, though he did promise to stay in touch and that when Sam was ready to travel he'd have their beds waiting for both boys.

S—D

'D-De ... s-s-stay.' Sam pushed the words out, his fingers wrapped around Dean's wrist as he stared up at the doctor defiantly, 'n-no ... g-g-g-go.'

'Okay Sam, I just need you to calm down.' Doctor Milne smiled reassuringly at his favourite patient, 'Dean's not going anywhere.'

'Th-thanks.' Sam sighed and then rested back against his pillows but never loosened his grip on Dean's wrist.

'I hear you've been giving the therapists a hard time.' Sam shrugged his good shoulder and gave the doctor a sheepish look, 'that's okay, but we do have to get the therapy working, we need to get your muscles moving so that they don't atrophy.'

'What do you suggest doc?' Dean asked seeing the stubbornness setting in Sam's jaw line.

'Well what if you help him?' Mitch looked at the two brothers, 'Dean he listens to you, and I have a feeling that you have already done training with him before?'

'Yeah kind of.' Dean said without elaborating.

'Fine, I can get the physiotherapist to give you a list of exercises Sam has to do three times a day to start off with, there is also speech therapy ... I'm not going to lie to you boys, Sam has a long road ahead of him just to regain most of his mobility to start with let alone his fine motor skills. Small steps but you will get there if you're willing to work hard.'

'We can do that doc,' Dean grinned and then looked down at the relieved look on Sam's face, 'for sure.'

'Okay well, I think if Sam can show his determination in working hard and sticking with the regime then I think he'll be right to go home and to continue his treatments as an outpatient.'

'H-Home?' Sam gasped giving Dean's wrist a small squeeze, 'h-home.'

S—D

Sam pulled his backpack closer to him, with his right hand and then rummaged through it, a look of worry formed quickly on his face, as he frantically searched it as well as he could with just one hand.

'Lose something Sammy?' Dean asked as he strutted into the room carrying Sam's discharge papers.

'N-no.' Sam sighed, 'i-i-it's ... 'kay.'

'So you ready to blow this Popsicle stand?' Dean rubbed his hands together, 'the old man is just getting your meds...'

'D-Da-Dad ... h-h-here?' Sam blanched and dropped his gaze to the floor.

'Hey, hey Sammy look at me.' Dean crouched down in front of his baby brother and made him look up, tilting his chin with fingertips, 'Sammy dad's not ashamed of you.'

'N-no I-I'm d-d-disa-ppoint-m-ment.' Sam finally managed to get the words out, drool slipping from the paralysed side of his mouth.

Dean reached over and tenderly wiped it with a tissue and smiled softly, 'you will never be a disappointment dad loves you.'

'Wh-Why l-l-look me ...n-no h-hunt.' Sam cried his breath hitching slightly.

'Sammy?' John stood in the doorway, 'you are not a disappointment to me son, you never have been and you never will be.' He smiled deeply and moved to crouch in front of Sam, 'I love you Sammy I know we have butted heads in the past and probably will sooner than later but I will never stop loving you or your brother.'

'C-Can't-t h-h-hun-t n-no more.'

'You will son, it's just going to take time.' John gathered Sam into a warm hug and felt his son slowly relax into the embrace, 'your mom would be so proud of you Sammy, of both her boys.'

'D-Da?' Sam blinked and pushed away from his dad slightly, 'M-mom?'

'How about we get you out of here?' John blinked back his own tears as he stood and helped Sam into the waiting wheelchair, 'get you set up and have something special for dinner?'

'P-P-Pizza?' Sam glanced at his father with a hopeful look and flashed his deep dimples.

'Pizza it is.' John agreed as he gathered Sam's bags, slipping Sam's journal back into his backpack, 'ready?'

'Let's go,' Dean pushed Sam out of the door with a flourish, 'time to spring ya from this joint.'

S—D

One Month Later:

The soft sobbing broke through John's dozing, he glanced around the small apartment, and Dean was still at work so that means: Sammy?

'Sammy you okay son?' he called out softly so as not to startle his often volatile youngest. Over the last month since Sam's release from the hospital they have had a few rocky patches, with Sam's mounting frustration at not being able to do what he wants when he wants and the lack of privacy he now had, both John and Dean had to learn to reign in their own instinctive tempers to help Sam through the tantrums and tears.

'M'fine-fine.' Sam ground out refusing to look up at his father, not wanting to see the disappointment he knew would be there in his father's eyes.

'Sammy what is it?' John sat on the edge of the bed, took a deep breath, and then tenderly rolled Sam over onto his back, 'hey there you are.'

'W-Why D-Da?' Sam wept picking at his numb hand with his good hand.

'Hey now ... nuff of that.' John tugged Sam's good hand away and wrapped his own fingers around it, 'what's the tears about?'

'J-just ... l-lone.' Sam sighed.

John sat quiet for a moment, he remembered Sam's journal entries where he talked about feeling so alone, 'Sammy you have me and Dean, and Bobby, pastor Jim, Caleb and Josh we're all here for you, especially Dean.'

'I-I kn-know.'

'So what's the real problem?'

'N-No ... no one f-f-from sch-school c-came ...'

'Ah Sam.' John ran his fingers through his hair this one was more Dean's area, 'they're not worth worrying bout Sammy, I promise you, you're worth more than all of them put together.'

'D-Da? Wh-why m-me?' Sam asked tearfully.

'We're still working on it, it does look like the person who pushed you was possessed.'

'Wh-why?'

'Dunno yet, but I don't want you to worry bout that, you just concentrate on getting better.'

'D-Da?'

'Yeah Sammy?'

'You, you st-st-stayin'?'

'I'm staying, I'm not going anywhere Sammy.'

'Th-thanks D-Da.' Sam smiled softly and pulled himself up with his good hand, 'w-wanna h-help m-me ex-ex-exerci-se?'

'Me? Sure you don't wanna wait for Dean?'

'N-no ... you D-Da.' Sam pushed the words out and smiled at his dad. For the first time in a long time Sam felt like he was a full on member of the family again.

S—D

Dean kicked his work boots off and stood in the doorway trying to work out where his dad and brother were, when he heard his dad's laughter and soft stuttered chuckles from Sam. Curiosity getting the better of him, he went into Sam's room and stopped 'dead'. On the floor in front of him was Sam and their father working on loosening up Sammy's long legs. 'So whatcha up to?' Dean finally got out, trying hard to stifle his rising giggles at the exasperated look on John's face.

'H-Hey D-De.' Sam greeted his brother as his father pushed his leg in, managing once again to hit Sam's ticklish zone. 'D-Da.' He laughed.

'Sorry Sammy, hey Dean how was work?'

'Good, considering I had to give my notice.'

'W-why?' Sam frowned.

'Coz we're heading to Blue Earth tomorrow Doofus.' Dean laughed, 'remember?'

'Oh-oh ye-yeah.' Sammy blushed slightly, 'th-thanks D-Da.'

'Time for your massage Sammy, so who do you want?' John asked with a heavy sigh and waited for Sam to pick Dean over him.

Dean, who saw the change in his father's demeanour winked at his younger brother. 'Well dunno bout you guys but I reek, I'm going to have a shower, and you'll just have to put up with dad massaging the life outta ya Sammy.'

John beamed at the smile he got from Sammy, slightly lopsided but a genuinely happy one.

S—D

Sam stretched and adjusted the pillow behind his head once again, his long leg stretched out on the backseat of the impala. He grinned happily watching his brother drive, the classic rock blaring from the speakers and Dean's head moving in time as he sang along with his favourite songs.

Just ahead of them, was their dad and Joshua in the massive black truck of John's. Sam ran his fingers over the leather cover of his journal and thought about his dad again. John had changed so much since the accident, it was like he finally got Sam. his smile faltered slightly with the thought of his father reading his journal, _'nah that couldn't be right if dad did then he'd be ripping me to shreds all the way to Pastor Jim's and then back again.' _Sam shook his head again and slowly opened the leather-bound book to the last entry he had made the day before. Sam had finally managed to catch up with his entries since the accident, the last one announcing their impending journey back to Blue Earth.

New Entry in the Journal of Sam Winchester:

_August 2__nd__ 2001_

_Dale finally brought Monica over last night before we started to pack up. She was like someone I ... she was like a stranger to me. she kept staring at my arm and leg like I was a freak. She said that just after the accident she started to date Skye Seavers from the basketball team. She said that she didn't want to upset me so she just stayed way. Dale apologised for his sister and left saying see ya to Dean. Man that was so humiliating. She couldn't even look at me sitting in our living room, I wanted to ask if I had a wart on my nose or some shit like that. Fuck I hate this, I hate being a freak and now I look like one too._

_August 3__rd__ 2001_

_This feels better, we're home again, in the impala with Dean at the wheel and dad ahead of us in the monster-truck. Dean said that Monica wasn't worth another thought and would probably end up pregnant and at the other end of a shotgun wedding. He's such a dork!_

_Dad is so incredible lately, yeah we still fight but nothing like we used to, I'm wondering when I'm gonna wake up and find out that it's all one big bad dream. I can't help feeling like dad managed to read all of my journal, he seems to be able to know just what I like and stuff, but how can he? Anyway if he did then he'd be screaming all of the way to P. Jim's, especially when ... yeah maybe I should put a padlock on this just in case._

_I had the weirdest dream last night and a killer headache this morning, how can I tell Dean? I saw him get ripped by a werewolf, it was just him and dad, but I could see it all so I dunno where I was. It was just a dream, wasn't it?_

S—D

Dean glanced in the rear view mirror and smiled softly, Sam was asleep his head tilted back and a thin line of drool trickled from the still paralysed end of his mouth. Sam was able to walk with just a cane now, and had almost full control of his bad arm. Dean was so proud of his geeky younger brother, he studied the exercises and what did what to where and then did them diligently every day up to five times a day. His speech therapy was slower going but it was getting there. The doctors were guarded in their prognosis, the only thing that they seemed to agree on was the fact that they couldn't agree on anything. So now they were headed to Blue Earth Minnesota to stay with Pastor Jim Murphy, deep down Dean knew that their dad was ready to head off, the hunt was literally calling him, but hey John lasted longer than anyone thought he would.

Sam's TBI still needed constant checking by doctors but not as much as before, and his records were already with the new Neurologist in Blue Earth, a doctor Kimberly Duck. Anyone who is a head doctor with the surname Duck was alright in Dean's book.

A soft snore brought Dean's attention back to the road and to studying Sam in the rear view mirror. He reached over and turned the volume down in deference to the headache he knew Sam had. He could read all the little tells now, when his brother had a nightmare, or a headache, his leg and or arm hurt, and even when Sam can't get the right words out, Dean knew them all.

John's signal made Dean put all of his attention back to the road and driving, his dad must have found them somewhere to stay for the night, nervously Dean followed the black beast in front, determined to keep going if it wasn't suitable for Sam's needs.

They finally pulled into a nice looking family motel with three neon stars under the name of New Heaven Motel.

While he waited for his dad to get their rooms Dean leant over the back of the bench seat and gently shook Sam's shoulder, 'hey dude wakey, wakey.'

'Hunh?' Sam blinked and rolled his eyes in annoyance before letting them slide shut again.

'Nope not gonna carry ya into the room, wake up Sammy boy, we're staying the night here.' Dean shook him a little longer but without any more force than necessary.

'De?' Sam glared at his brother and then noticed the surroundings outside the car, 'm-m-mote-el?'

'Yeah dude we're staying here tonight and then we'll be at Pastor Jim's tomorrow.' Dean grinned, following his father around to the back carpark.

John came over to the impala with two key cards in his hand, 'we've got adjacent rooms, me and Josh will take fourteen and you two can have sixteen.'

'Which floor dad?' Dean asked as he got out and languidly stretched, in an almost feline way.

'Third but there's a lift, so why don't you start up with Sam? Me and Josh can bring the bags.'

'Thanks dad.' Dean opened the backdoor and waited patiently for Sam to position himself first, lately Sammy's independent streak was making a comeback.

John watched as his baby boy managed to extricate himself from the backseat of the impala before hurrying back to unpack the truck with Josh. The big man seemingly engrossed in a call on his cell, gesturing with his free hand to emphasise his points.

'So you ready Sammy?' Dean asked holding the cane steady for his brother.

'Yeah.' Sam nodded and tried to swipe at the dribble of drool still adhered to his chin; wordlessly Dean reached over and wiped it away with a tissue and then patted Sam's shoulder before grabbing Sam's backpack. 'let's get inside.'

S—D

The room was as surprising as the exterior of the motel, with large queen beds, crisp white sheets and thick pillows, a colour TV positioned at the foot of both beds on a cabinet, a small kitchenette with a bar fridge and coffee making facilities nestled in one corner with the bathroom between the sleeping area and kitchenette. An overstuffed sofa and armchairs with a coffee table finished the room off nicely.

'Wo-Wow.' Sam exclaimed as he sank down on his bed gratefully, 'this is nice. Is dad okay?'

S—D

Extract from the Journal of Sam Winchester:

_November 12__th__ 2001_

_Dean's asleep in his bed at P. Jim's, I'm pretending to rest so I can watch over him. dad brought him back with huge claw marks, they look so deep and angry. All I could think about was my dream. What does it all mean?_

_U. Bobby rang Josh when we were on the way here, and he went off for a while. Now he's back and he wants dad to go with him. they're not talking but I think that they are hiding something. Even P. Jim and Dean won't tell me._

_I hate this, I hate them treating me like a little kid!_

_My headaches are getting worse, especially after my dreams, but I can't tell Dean or dad._

_November 20__th__ 2001_

_Dad and Josh went to meet up with U. Bobby, I listened to them talking when they thought I was asleep. they said that they know why I got pushed something to do with the demon that killed mom. It was trying to make me do something, dunno what but dad got this weird look on his face. He looks at me different again, just like he used to._

_I guess it was too good to be true for him to keep up the loving father act._

_Nah I guess he still loves me, maybe not as much as Dean and maybe not as much now coz I still can't train or hunt but I think he does love me a little._

S—D

Two Years Later:

A tall thin young man, with a slight limp boarded the bus in the dark of the night. Grateful for the darkness hiding his tears and heaving chest; he knew that his brother was still there watching him board the bus.

He turned awkwardly and stared at the dark silhouetted car, he lifted a shaking hand and then with his backpack clutched tightly boarded the bus and looked towards his future, leaving a shattered family and past behind.

S—D

John sat on the edge of his bed, his glass of whiskey on the floor by his feet, forgotten in the aftermath of his binging. The motel room was silent, only the ghost voices of his argument with his baby son echoed in his mind, the room remained silent.

How did it happen? Why?

With a heaving sob he opened the soft leather bound book on his lap, he found it on Sam's pillow after Dean had run off after his runaway sibling. A short note scribbled in Sam's spidery handwriting, _hey dad thought you might like to read the rest of my journal. I could never prove it one way or the other if you read it back then. Kind of hope you did. Your loving son always Sam._

S—D

Final Extract from the First Journal of Sam Winchester:

_May 30__th__ 2003_

_I feel so sick, I got the letter of acceptance from Stanford even after everything they still want me. AND I got a full ride, fan-fucking-tastic, so how do I tell Dean and Dad? They are both gonna be pissed, but what do I do?_

_I can't tell em that it still hurts to run, that my back feels like it's on fire or that my shoulder and arm ache in the cold. How can I tell Dean and dad that my headaches never went away? That it's not the fact that I don't have my mind on the job, it's that I can hardly hold my head up sometimes. Or my balance goes on me, nah better this way I can still feel like I got a chance at some sort of life._

_Safer this way too, safer for them coz they don't have to worry bout me, I won't be a liability on the hunt anymore._

_I might walk properly most of the time unless I get tired, I might be able to speak better unless I get tired, but it's not enough, not out there. What if the demon comes back and does something to dad or Dean to get me to use something I don't know what._

_I had another dream the other night, both Dean and dad nearly died in a car accident and I was driving. I so freaked out, I don't want to leave, but what else can I do?_

_Gotta keep them safe, gotta keep Deanie safe._

_Sorry Dad, sorry Dean. Love you both._


End file.
